My relationship with God came crashing down after we lost our oldest son to suicide. My faith in God collapsed, as though it was built on sand. What I have come to see is that I was in a spiritual battle after our suicide loss. My faith and trust in God was battered, bruised, and broken.
My mindset, unfortunately, became dark. My self-talk revolved around lies, guilt, and a lack of forgiveness. After many years, I had to honestly answer the question, “Elaine, would you like to get well?” Just as Jesus had asked the crippled man at the Pool of Bethsesda. (John 5:6).
I remember this vividly. It was about 4:00 a.m.—dark outside, and I was siting at my kitchen table all alone, coffee mug in hand when I read, ”When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, Would you like to get well?” I put my coffee cup down, and I actually said out loud, “Yes, I want to get well.” And that was a step toward healing. I began to change the recording in my brain.
No longer did I dwell in the pit of bitterness, self-pity, and anger. No longer did I tell myself lies. I started searching for God in his beautiful gift of nature around me—enjoying a sunset, noticing the beautiful cloud formations. I started praying again and pouring my heart out to Jesus. I started believing again in his love, his forgiveness—and the fact that “my name was engraved on the palm of his hand!” (Isaiah 49: 16) I began to feel loved.
And knowing, without a doubt, that God loved me, that I was forgiven of all of my mistakes, I actually bubbled-over with happiness. I started enjoying God, delighting in him and loving him back! Laughter re-entered my life. I enjoyed just sitting and being in his Presence. I prayed. I read the Psalms over and over and over. Then I read the Gospel of John over and over and over. I began understanding that God’s love had re-entered my life, and I continue to delight in him.
“God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.” I John 4: 16
Oh, I hope this helps your healing process after your tragic loss!
Sending my love and prayers for your peace,
Elaine Kennelly
”Finding Peace After a Suicide Loss”
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